and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
