The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize