Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
