my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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