I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
