he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
