I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
