Cold hands, warm shart.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize