Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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