It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
