East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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