he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
