I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
