My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
