i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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