Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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