I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
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