I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
