3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Ketchup is God's man juice
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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