You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
