The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
