He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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