dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
