I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
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