He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
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