We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
