I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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