While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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