Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
