I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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