so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
