Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
