Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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