he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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