Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
