I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
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