Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
