Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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