Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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