I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
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