it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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