My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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