Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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