I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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