I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
