I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
