i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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