I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
