Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
