All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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