Who wears a wallet chain?!
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
