i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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