I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Randomize
