he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
