Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
