I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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