After last night, I could never be a politician.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
